Moviemaker Mind

Go Home?

There was a fierce thunderstorm this afternoon over Nashville. Gusts of wind swept dirt upwards. I enjoyed the power and wanted to experience it full force except for the acorns pelting down and then the hailstones. Can’t quite get the same vibe when objects are being hurled at you, can you? So I went into my burrow and watched from the safety of inside. It was pleasant and needed and afterward I wasn’t so angry anymore.

My Mom called from Africa this morning and said “your brother said you have finally made up your mind to come home”. It would’ve been fine had she left it there. But she added: “you can come back and return to nursing” and “you’ve given it your best shot in America”.

Something panicked within me: My family taking control of my life and negating all I have fought to achieve in my moving pictures career? Belittling mostly through concern – maybe? They sort of pish-tash or piffle away my life, my passion, my natural tendencies, my choices. I felt negated – again, never given voice. Besides that, I have my cooking show to do.

And then comes the guilt: you only have one family, your parents are really getting very old and frail and terra firma time runs awfully low. All this while I am 'luxuriating' on a personal quest, living in warps of time. Oy, oy, oy!

I am struggling to stay alive in America and time is ticking faster and faster for me – there are more years behind than ahead. I am aware of all the ‘real’ stuff, the practical stuff of life – I know I am aging and still have many thoughts to convert to celluloid, before dreams become part of regret’s cellulite. If I had lived these last few decades following the practical way I would not have gone adventuring in America, into the catacombs of love, faced so much of myself, delighted in dreaming of Hiawatha, John Wayne, captured thousands of images of a land and her inhabitants. Dealt with the residual fear of too many violent images from my own bloodied land. Many things so many things.

It has always been a sense of 'One Day when I have done all my adventuring, wisdom seeking, experiencing, dreaming, delighting, facing fearsome challenges I would return'- victorious and tattered to ? is it home? is it God? is it to that self within and to lay down life’s artifacts?

To be able to say: I slew the dragons, found rare things, met wise and stupid people, spoke with creatures, embraced atoms of all history, understood the meaning of life?

All this I need to know, to make peace and then to stay or go or journey on elsewhere.

I don’t want to make a fuss - just an impression for a brief ebb-tide time.

So Peace, Shalom, Vrede for you this Friday night.

posted by Unknown @ 2:21 AM