Homesick Immigrant
I get very lonely sometimes - like this evening. I get so homesick for my family, for my lost love that when friends call for me to go out I just seem unable to do so. Too much solitude will drive you nuts. Too much loss.
This night I am just plain lonely and too folded up to go anywhere. It will pass.
I wish Africa was not so far away.
I was stewing over some things today. You know those moments in your life where you go away from somewhere, friends moving or you, going to college, to another town to somewhere. Those moments of deciding to separate with some regret and then that flicker of the actual parting when that thought process is: PLEASE STAY or PLEASE ASK ME TO STAY or even better PLEASE COME WITH ME.
How different life's stories would be! if there were no regretful goodbyes and we still managed to stay together. Even the pets we have had. I have said goodbye to many friends over the years and they have, for the most part, drifted away forever. There have been pets in my life, elephants, baboons, dolphins, tortoises, pigeons, a mouse, hamsters and a ladybug. I have experienced so much pain with their parting that it has affected my life and will probably continue to do until the end of my days.
My wiring is just different, perhaps: it seems to take me longer than 'other' people to recover from loss. Sometimes I am reminded of the terrible burdens other people bear and I am guilty about my self absorption. I do not work with homeless people because quite frankly they scare the stuffing out of me. I once went with a friend to feed the homeless in the park but the men were really frightening and vile mouthed. I also have had a lifetime habit of imagining myself or others in different circumstances, playing different roles. I knew that if I were a homeless woman, those very same homeless men would most certainly assault if not kill me. Statistics and the average lifespan of homeless women bear testament to that.
But that's just an aside. I am just plain lonely tonight with my thoughts and my family so very far away.
posted by Unknown @ 2:12 AM
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